Obese Beasts

The cold, hard, ugly truth is this: 

My dogs are fat. 

Now, I was well aware of this fact for one of them. The one that is vaguely reminiscent of the Hindenburg before it burst into flame. Whenever I watch him at his food bowl I can just hear that famous narration “Oh the humanity!” I informed my vet that he was fixated on food. I would even say that he was bulimic and suffering from Alzheimer’s.  He binges but forgets to purge. He will suck down his food in two seconds fat and then sit back next to his bowl and belch loudly. If he was a person, he would be the sweaty next door neighbor guy who tips the scales at around 500 pounds and wears the v-neck white t-shirt that hasn’t been white in years. You know, the one with the pit stains and the splashes of chili down the front? 

Fashions designed by Jackson Pollack. 

So it wasn’t any real surprise to learn that he was 20 pounds overweight. But the other one? The smooth jazz Corgi that momentarily meditates before hesitantly eating? (A habit that gets his food stolen a lot by the hovering Hindenburg). He is apparently 10 pounds over. 

The vet went through his speal three times: Give them a cup of food in the morning and a cup of food at night.  I already feed them a weight maintenance type food and I’ve read the label. It’s not made up of apple cores and Chinese newspapers. It might not be the best but it’s certainly not the worst. 

Welcome to life in the middle my pets. 

He really emphasized the fact that I need to know how much I’m feeding them. I told him I feed them a bowl in the morning and that’s it. After the third incarnation of his food discussion I was ready to agree to anything just to get out of there. Yes, I concur with your conclusions but jumpin’ Jesus on a cracker! I’m not mentally retarded. Can we move on??? 

I guess what I failed to impress upon him was that my dogs don’t have traditional food bowls. They aren’t those huge containers that the dog can backstroke in. They are actually little decorative ceramic bowls that a human could happily eat their breakfast cereal out of.

So when I went home and pulled out a measuring cup and learned THE TRUTH about how much I was feeding them, the reality of the situation is this: If I do what the vet told me to do, I would be feeding them more than what they are currently getting. 

Snacks and treats? They occasionally get a rawhide bones to chew on. And their teeth are nice and clean thank you very much. I was asked if I brushed them. I almost told the vet “Oh yeah, twice a day, right after I floss my own teeth…and then I floss theirs!” 

So, I am cutting down on their food even more. I’m still within the range listed on the bag so they’re not starving but there is a definite look in their eyes when I pull out the measuring cup. The fat one actually looked at me, looked at the cup, and flopped down on the floor and sighed. 

I’m guessing if, within the next few weeks, my chewed up carcass is discovered in my bed? The cat should not be a suspect.

Seriously though? It could always be worse…