I think it’s the spring-like weather. Either that or the couple of punches that I’ve thrown at my new heavy bag have awakened in me the ability to listen to myself.
It is known as the meditation of ass kickery. What was that line in the Matrix? “Don’t just try to hit me, hit me!”
Perhaps it is also emptying out the garage that helped. There is still a lot of crap left in there but I can now see the space as being “my space”.
I can see the bones without the flesh.
I can see my life stripped bare.
I’ve had other moments of perfect clarity in my life. I believe there have been two or three. Times when I can feel the movement of the earth beneath my feet. I can sense the molecules that make up my existence. I can feel myself as a part of the greater reality that we all pretend to exist in but yet I feel separate. I am the grain of sand on the beach, knowing that I appear to be like every other grain of sand yet I hold the microcosm of the universe within my being.
And all this without the use of pharmaceutical enhancements.
I think it came about as I woke up feeling utterly overwhelmed by the fact that spring break is over now and another class has been added to my schedule and oh my god how am I going to cope and…and…and…and.
And then I walked outside and took a deep breath. For the first time in years, the air was clean.
I’ve been operating with the coping mechanism of “put your head down and trudge. Tie that weight to your back and even though it makes your knees buckle, keep going forward.”
But this morning, I believe I separated all the parts of my so-called reality. I laid them down to examine them and although they are large, I am larger. And when I picked them up again, they were as light as air.
I’ve been meaning to take a trip down to the cities to the Clouds in the Water Zen Center for years. I’ve always been to busy. I’ve always made a thousand excuses not to take a good long drive on an early Sunday morning.
Perhaps it is time.