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Head, Heart, Tongue

February 15, 2010

“How was your weekend?”

What I wanted to say: “My weekend consisted of me, keeping myself busy at all times so as not to acknowledge the overwhelming sadness that creeps further and further into my soul on a daily basis. If I don’t stop to listen, I won’t stop to cry.”

What I said: “Great.”

“Will you go through these records and verify their accuracy?”

What I wanted to say: “Would those be the records that you went into without checking with me, assumed that I didn’t do my job, changed the information in them, realized that I actually DID do my job and now you realize that you’ve horribly fucked them up?”

What I said: “Sure.”

“No, you won’t be able to take a day off in March to attend a training that relates to your chosen field of study even though you have offered to work longer on the other four days that week to compensate for it. This has nothing to do with your job.”

What I wanted to say: “That would be the job that I have to convince myself, every single morning, is better to go to than driving head long into a light pole. Right?”

What I said: “OK.”

“Hey, congratulations on your first Valentine’s Day as a divorced woman! Have fun!”

What I wanted to say: “Thanks for your good wishes. Do you mind if I explain to you how I still feel as if the flesh had been pulled from my body and the ugliness that is the world seeps into every exposed ridge of my musculature? That I look at people in seemingly happy relationships and wonder what ugly secrets are going on in their house? How I feel like I’ll never trust another human being with my heart for the rest of my life and I occasionally have to stop in my tracks and wipe the tears from my eyes because I feel eternally hollow and abysmally alone?”

What I said: “Yep.”

“So, where do you want to move to when you move?”

What I wanted to say: “I’ve been looking at job openings in this one specific place and I’ve been exploring their real estate markets and learning all I can about the town online and I hope to take a trip there next year to see if I like it and perhaps learn more about different places I’d like to work once I get there,”

What I said: “Anywhere but here.”

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Tabatha Voros permalink
    February 15, 2010 11:18 pm

    How do I say this without sounding just wrong? Well, I can’t so here goes. Say what you feel when you feel it. Yes, everyone needs a filter but to heal you need to let some of it out. Sometimes, that means saying how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. You have had it hard enough, more than most I daresay. Don’t fuck up your job, but do try a be a bit more honest and that in itself will help. Thinking of you and yours. Praying for you and yours. Wishing I could be there.
    Tabatha (Friend in Folsom)

  2. Annie permalink
    February 16, 2010 7:53 am

    Tell them nothing!!! But sorry to hear that you are generally down. I could attribute this to lousy conditions underfoot, and that despite more daylight, Duluth is in its four-month slog through mud to summer, but that’s me, not you. Demons of the past PLUS so-called spring might be you? Not to mention thoughtless people like me assuming we understand what’s up with you….


    • Tabatha Voros permalink
      February 16, 2010 7:57 pm

      Annie I know just how you feel. We don’t know how Tina feels, I wish there was more I could do. But the offer of a vacation in Sunny California is still open! If you’re even remotely interested in moving here one day, come on down and I will show you around.
      Tabatha (friend in folsom)

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