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We’re From The Government And We’re Here To Help

February 5, 2010

Welcome to Vogon Central Command. It is here that you will fill out the necessary forms to change everything in your life over to your new name. In the interest of expedience and clarity, all forms are color coded and correspond to the colored strip on the floor which will lead you to the office that you need to submit your form to. In triplicate.

First, you will note, that since you brought your social security card back and stated that WE made an error on your middle name, we are allowed to beat you soundly about the head with a cat-o-nine tails. In triplicate. (Hence the nine tails. No, that does not add up to 729. It adds up to nine. Just for that, we will need you to fill out the mauve form which corresponds to the puce line on the floor since when we ordered mauve tape, it did not exist. This form is for impertinence and must be filled out because you are a smart ass. In triplicate.)

Next, please make your way to the office of torrens.  It is painted a lovely “government gray” for your viewing pleasure. You will note that the Vogon clerk behind the counter is also a lovely “government gray”. This was a requirement of her job twenty five years ago and she has met her expectations admirably. It is here that you must turn in your certified 4I8Hjj604-B form that you would have been given by your lawyer. What? You don’t have the certified 4I8Hjj604-B form? The one on magenta paper with the embossed seal that will cost you $14? Well, I’m afraid you’ll need to follow the fuchsia line on the floor to Room 320 which can only be accessed by visiting Platform 9 3/4. I’d advise sending an owl before hand as the station master can be quite surley when taken off guard. It is in Room 320 where you will get the certified 4I8Hjj604-B form.

After waiting the requsite four hours and twenty one minutes, please return to the torrens office and we will process your request to remove one name from the title and replace your old name with your new name. You are Gertrude Finklebottom, correct? No? Well, my form says that you are Gertrude Finklebottom and my forms are never incorrect. Might I suggest that you get form 6033JJI07-A  from that rack over there? That is the form that you will need to change your name from Christina Harkness to Gertrude Finklebottom. Once again, I will need it in triplicate.

Now, we realize that you have only obtained your passport last year but you will need to purchase a new one at the new higher price. You will also need to get your driver’s license before you can change your name with the Vogons in the student services office at Vogon University. Of course, you must change your name with us before you fill out your financial aid information but your paperwork won’t be here for approximately eight weeks. Did I mention you’re on a deadline? Yes, it’s your deadline. If you don’t meet it, it is obviously because you are not trying hard enough because as we all know, Vogons never make mistakes.

And now? How about a little poetry to calm your frazzled nerves?

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