This I Believe
I believe that below zero weather makes dogs constipated.
I believe that teaching a dog to levitate would keep their paws warm in cold weather and add a whole new amusing aspect to canine defecation. (I must go down to the laboooratory and begin work on this immediately.)
I believe that the repeated showing of cars being crushed at a recycling plant on the morning local news IS NOT NEWS.
I believe that no matter how charming your personality, if you wear a half a bottle of cologne every day, YOU WILL NOT BE A CHICK MAGNET.
I believe that doing math homework is far more enjoyable after two glasses of wine. “What do you mean show my work??? I can’t even see the damn page!”
I believe that using your children and grandchildren in your local business commercials should be stopped. I have seen four separate commercials this morning that fit that mold and the overarching commonality is UGLY UGLY CHILDREN. There, I said it. Ugly children exist. Ugly babies too. Get over it.
I believe MY children, however, have always been stunningly beautiful. And when MY daughter was in that commercial for St.Luke’s Hospital fourteen years ago? Award winning performance bitches!!!!
I believe that it is ill advised to warm your car up in a closed garage while sipping your coffee in the front seat. It is an exercise that, for some reason, makes you verrrrrrryyyy sleeeeeepppppyyyyy.
I believe I want Dave Chapelle to be a weatherman for Duluth, MN. The playful vacuous banter between the weatherman and the news anchor would be much more realistic if he looked her in the eye and said “IT’S FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE! MY SCROTUM DISAPPEARED THREE DAYS AGO!!!”
I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF EMBIGGINING MY LETTERS.
I believe I need another cup of coffee…