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This Post Is No Longer Anatomically Correct

January 14, 2010

The question for cogitation today is whether or not a woman can actually fracture her labia.

Now, granted, there are often reasons why these questions come to mind. They don’t just float in the ether, sliding in one person’s ear and out the other. These questions often arise from experience. Unfortunate, painful experience.

There is a comparable male condition.

I’m guessing though that there hasn’t been the hard (pardon the pun) research done on the female equivalent.

I would like to propose the following situation for clinical study:

Let’s just say that Patient A is out walking her dogs in the dark, on the ice. Let’s just say that one of the dogs has a penchant for climbing snowbanks in an ongoing effort to “shit from a height”. Then, we shall follow this slow motion tragedy as the dog on the snowbank bolts further over the snowbank, pulling his mistress forward onto her knees.

This is where the large, jagged ice boulder comes into play.

Yup. As it would be written in any ambulance report: Large jagged ice bolder vs. delicate lady parts.

My child bearing days are over. Had they not been? My child bearing days would be over.

There is nothing like doing the constipated penguin walk all the way home and visiting the bathroom to make sure all the parts of ones body are still attached.

The fall also entailed smacking my face on another bolder and knocking my glasses askew.

I have examined my face in the mirror for evidence of bruising. Thankfully, none are present.

And yes, all the lady parts were still attached but the old pelvic girdle is an unhappy camper.

I propose a day of ibuprofen and soft chairs. And perhaps sitting on a frozen bag of peas…because really? Is there any better use for a frozen bag of peas?

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Tabatha Voros permalink
    January 14, 2010 7:27 am

    Ouch, I feel for you! AND I know how you feel! Get better quick and start letting the boy take the dogs for a walk at night. Boys are agile and quick so running over a snow bank is actually fun for them!

  2. Laura permalink
    January 14, 2010 8:35 am

    This could actually be a biz opportunity – lady parts protective cup – endless possibilities. Pink camo, tye dye, hand knit/felted with plastic insert, my favorite pup cup, corgi cup, celebrity endorsed paris hilton pup cup (pink with rhinestones), dog whisperer/pack leader calm assertive cup. Ah yes, too much time on my hands. . . Thanks for your wonderful stories!

  3. Pam permalink
    January 14, 2010 10:13 am

    I feel bad for you, but I’m also laughing hysterically at how you told the story. I broke my pelvic bone rollerskating for the first time in a century about a year ago. My ass is forever numb where the wheels dug in. Train the dogs to use a litter box!

  4. January 15, 2010 11:09 pm

    As a gentleman I can only bite my tongue and refrain from comment as I instinctively curl into a fetal position.

    Well, I can also suggest that it is exactly for times such as these that we save up our good dirty words, so that those words have awesome power when they are bellowed by us into the night.

    And you are inspiring me to complete my vasectomy saga over at my blog. There is nothing so exquisitely funny as someone else’s pain.

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